Praetor

The big day of the mastectomy was 12 days ago. Everything went smooth. Now its only learning to live with the after effects of which one will be the results of the tests on the axillary glands. The other reminds me of a Bible verse that I have always found intriguing … and faithfully practised:

“Drink water from your own cistern,

And fresh water from your own well. …

Let them be yours alone,

And not for strangers with you. …

Let your fountain be blessed,

And rejoice in the wife of your youth.

As a loving hind and a graceful doe,

Let her breasts satisfy you at all times,

Be exhilarated always with her love.” (Proverbs 5 verses15,17,18-19).

Now after D-day it has taken on new meaning. Instead of two fawns feeding among the lilies, there is only one standing next to an ugly ridge cutting across a big flat space (excuse the pun). It is one thing to look at the flatness covered by nighties, but the first time I had to clean the wound and dress it for my wife, it was different to face the naked reality.

Suddenly you discover that beauty goes further than skin deep. She is still the wife of my youth in which I delight! My youngest son cannot think, or understand that I find his mother’s legs, covered with varicose veins, sexy. You see when I look at them I see the same sexy legs of the wife of my youth. After the op. she dyed her hair a light copper red. Now I am all over in love with the wife of my youth. When I met her she had copper toned hair when the sunrays caught it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

But the most attractive about her is that disarming smile and her sparkling eyes. They augment the softness of her personality. Nothing of this has changed. She is still the same person even without the twins of a gazelle (- just one fawn).

At last we came to a doctor that is not fearful. She works with cancer patients every day of her life. She has probably made peace with death. What a wonderful fresh breeze.

The oncologist referred us to the “cancer hospital”  in a neighbouring city to have a bone scan done and to get a second opinion. Or perhaps to persuade us to accept the inevitable? First my wife was made radioactive. They even put a sticker to that effect on her file! Then after two hours she went for the scan. We praise the Master Weaver that her bones are clear of cancer.

The female doctor explained to us the situation. The cancer was not completely removed, when the lumpectomy was done. It has invaded the ducts and veins in the surrounding areas, which is a bad sign. It is a type 3 cancer, which is a more aggressive type. Breast cancer has the bad habit of hiding away. Before the lump was removed they did not inject a dye into the cancerous lump to see if it has spread to the axilla glands and you will not tell if it has spread by physical examination. Therefore it is best to do a mastectomy and remove the axilla glands.

How different to receive all the relevant information and make an informed decision! The abhorrent idea of just removing her breast (for fun?) has been disarmed. Both my wife and myself are at peace about this inevitable development. In a week’s time she will know the date of the operation. We are so thankful we did not just accept the verdict of the surgeon, but asked to consult the oncologist who wanted to be sure of the situation so that we don’t start treating one condition, but ignorant of another hidden condition. (We learnt this lesson with our daughter’s dislocated hip that was operated on when she was 5 months old. We did what the doctors said without asking for a second opinion. As a result she was left brain damaged. But even 33 years later she still is a blessing to us). The oncologist repeatedly said we must do it right the first time.

Two weeks ago my wife went for the lumpectomy. The agonizing pain was gone, although the pain from the op was still bad. Today the results came.

I learned a few things about doctors. They are just human. It seems to me they have greater difficulty facing the possibility of cancer than the patient. Perhaps they are fearful of being taken to court for making a wrong diagnosis. They are vague and try to create some sense of hope for the patient. My wife’s “personal doctor” at the hospital said the biopsy was diagnosed as cancer. The surgeon said we can’t be sure until a lumpectomy was done. See … that spark of hope.

Then the results of the lumpectomy comes. We look with abated breath at the doctor. “The lump was very fragmented” (well, after all the biopsies it must be) “and the conclusion inconclusive”. “But doctor what did they say, was the lump malignant”, my wife asks. (Seeing that you ask so directly I am forced to give you a direct answer). “Yes, it is malignant”. When he has to use the big C word, he uses the medical term, carcinoma. He consults with the surgeon who did the op. “We will have to do a mastectomy”.

My wife and I have discussed this over the past two weeks. If her life depended on it, she would have a mastectomy, but only after all other options were exhausted. We informed the doctor accordingly. “How long will she live?” “What if she dies?” He asks.
Does this doctor have a fear of death? Is he projecting his fears onto us? Upon our request we were referred to oncology. At least we will get a second opinion now from somebody that will consider other options than merely lobbing off limbs.

My wife and I am at peace. We know it is a difficult road ahead, but the Master Weaver is in charge.

I would think that it takes an expensive night out at a posh restaurant, with a big, very big bouquet of flowers to impress your lady to try to survive a dwindling relationship. I was most surprised that in “The Love Dare” that was not the first thing on the agenda. Usually things have deteriorated to the point where it is difficult to have a civil conversation with one another. She is not impressed at all with your expensive lay out. You will be fortunate if you complete this expensive evening out together in one another’s company.

The first dare is very simple. Don’t fight. Rather keep quiet than say something negative. After a few days of this approach she will definately see the effort you are making, especially if she has been giving you a hard time. Let me tell you, don’t be decived by the simplicity of this dare. It takes guts to do it. The easy way out is to fly off the handle and give her a piece of your mind. That is the natural inclination. So how do you manage to go against your natural inclinations?

We are quick to judge. We have preconceived ideas about the other’s behaviour and motives. Today I greeted a man feeling very bland, smiling at him. He said you are angry at me are’nt you? I know I can read your mind. We are usually not so presumptiously blunt, but we react in the same manner. The consequence is that we don’t really listen to what the person is saying and we react to our preconceived ideas.

So we don’t have to white knuckle it to be patient. We must just put the brakes on our tongue long enough to listen to what our partner is saying. To reflect the underlying feelings with sympathy so that we can be sure we are hearing her correctly. E.g. You sound upset; or You are angry? Then big red lights must flash for you not to react to what she says next. Don’t go on the defensive, but keep on reflecting her feelings to show you are trying to understand.

If she prefers to ignore you, bite your tongue and let her go. Don’t retaliate by saying something nasty or defensive. She will go away puzzeled by your atipical response!

One dark night three years ago my wife went to the toilet. She lost her bearings and walked into a door that was standing ajar hurting her breast badly. Two weeks ago she experienced pains in her breast and feeling a lump upon closer examination.

Strange how people react to situations like this. We cling to the positive, hoping it will not be bad news. With trepidation you approach the doctor who sent her for a mammogram and sonar examination. Bad news. The radiological Dr  said straight out that radiologically it is cancer.

My wife phones me to give this terrible news. It felt like somebody punched me in the stomach.  I could feel how the blood drain from my face. One single thought flashed through my mind for a split second, “Why are you doing this to me Lord?”

We have a brain damaged daughter dependent on my wife to care for her. Her mother baths her, helps her at the toilet and combs her hair every day. So this is bad news from this perspective. But God has the full picture of the tapestry that He is busy weaving. We only see the confusing criss-cross threads at the backside. We need to trust the Master Weaver that everything will work together for the good. We are absolutely assured of one thing, He loves us dearly. We don’t have to doubt that, because Jesus gave his life on the cross so that we can share in the glory and splendour of his kingdom.

We share the bad news with friends and family. Strange how some people refuse to believe the news. They react in shock and denial. “You are joking.” “No! It can’t be true!” “There must be a mistake somewhere, have more tests done.”

Now we are on the roller-coaster. The hope and expectation that everything will be al right, but then the dread of visiting the doctor. Further tests. The biopsy left her purple and black. Words of hope. The lump is soft and not well defined, which are good signs. “Thank you Lord for giving back my wife to me (and to my daughter)”. Return for the results. The tests are inconclusive. Although the doctor took five samples, there were not enough tissue to come to a definite conclusion. In a week’s time she must go for an operation to remove the lump as a precautionary measure.

The doctors are really unfeeling. As a precautionary measure they want to do a mastectomy! Can you believe it. This must be the twists and turns of the roller-coaster to make it more exciting - for whom, I wonder? Just as if we need that. But fortunately our lives are in the hands of the Master Weaver.

Have you watched the movie Fireproof? A great movie that really speaks to one about relationships and your marriage relationship in particular. In the movie the main character is given the Love Dare. It is a book that gives the 40-day challenge for husbands and wives to understand and practice unconditional love. In other previous posts I have shared some of my own insights, but this is really a challenge, which I would love to share with you.

Stephen & Alex Kendrick give some of the purposes of marraige, but then leave this bombshell: “Marriage also shows us our need to grow and deal with our own issues and self-centeredness through the help of a lifelong partner.”

This is not quite the way I was looking at my partner. I saw her more in terms of the one satisfying my needs, putting demands on me that I have to fulfill if I want the relationship to work. But that is rather selfish, isn’t it?

She must grow up and come to terms with my issues as much as I have to tolerate hers. Now I am challenged to come to terms with my own issues through her. Oh boy, do I have issues. I think that will take a lifetime to deal with! And I was blaming it on her all the time.

This just made me realise that if I am not prepared to honestly face myself I need to do one of two things.  Get out of the relationship immediately or throw the book The Love Dare in the fire. Ignorance is bliss, they say. But otherwise it is going to be one long hard look.

Are people today prepared to face themselves honestly, openly?

Recently I was part of a church group that was picking up rubbish and trash in a poor neighbourhood. I did not know that bending down for two and a half hours, sitting on my hunches from time to time could be so exhausting!

At one point some of the children came to help us and later a few adults also joined in. It was great that members of the community were prepared to take some responsibility for their surroundings. I noticed a number of things. Firstly, the people clean their yards very neatly, but outside in the street is a different story. People don’t care what they throw in the street. Somebody else has to pick that up. They don’t care if any cost is involved.

Lastly, I want to share an incident. A man walked by and was trying to incite the children to claim payment for the “work” they were doing. Then it struck me. We live in a society that doesn’t do anything for free or for the sake of patriotism or for charity.

Take the soccer teams representing their countries. They get paid for representing their country. From time to time you hear of teams threatening to go on strike because the pay is too little for their liking. If we want them to win we must offer them lucrative incentives.

My friend, who was hijacked a few years ago, is paraplegic and was dependent on someone to help him upload and download his wheelchair from his small truck. In town he had to pay the people to do this menial task for him. If he did not pay them sufficiently enough to their liking they just pass him by and ignore him. This was so demeaning to him that he installed an apparatus that would hoist his wheelchair up and down. Now he can be independent and save face.

You are travelling to town. Someone in your neighbourhood is asking for a lift. Some people would only do it if he pays a handsome fee.

What has become of our society? Or is your experience differently?